The Path Back To a Man's Masculinity

By TJ Dunhoft on 01/20/2018 5:00 PM

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How does a man reclaim his masculinity?  What does it mean to be a masculine man, or, better yet, an Alpha Male?
This blog post is dedicated specifically to describing what I believe to be those things by outlining four items that distinguishes this man, or, is the path back to a man that once was.
Four items:
1. A man's mission or life purpose.
2. A man living at his edge.
3. His men. 
4. Having the ability to attract and generate genuine desire in the women who he perceives as high value.
A woman will choose a man living at or on his edge every single time versus a man that isn't.  And what does it mean for a man to live on his edge?  I believe a man identifying with these 4 principals is what it means for a man to be living on his edge.  Its important to realize that every man's edge is different, and... every woman has a different version of what she perceives to be an attractive edge.  Meaning that she's not attracted to every man's living on an edge, but she is attracted to her flavor of man, and she's most attracted to him when he's living on his edge.  This is also why I believe every man needs to hold out for that woman who finds value in and identifies with his Life Purpose or mission.  Looks, values, and other attributes about a woman are also important, but what I believe may be the difference to a successful relationship with her is if she identifies with her man's Life Purpose.  This also ties into her ability to motivate her man to be a better man than what he perceives he is cable of being.  On to the principals...
The Mission - Life Purpose
A man's masculinity, self-worth, self-acceptance, self-respect, and his ability to be enough for himself are all tied to his Life Purpose work.  This will give him the pep in his step and his swagger.  I tell my men that I coach around dating, if you want to be attractive to your date, talk about your Life Purpose work.  You will light up, have an effortless sense of confidence, and will be able to generate conversation with her very easily.  And...  a man having his purpose is the most attractive quality to the feminine.  It's absolutely a win-win!  You're not in your head about what to say to this person in an effort to "get" what something from them.  No having to remember corny pick up lines, being outcome dependent, or reeking of pleasure seeking energy.  You'll be leading the conversation and inner action, and you'll be coming from an abundant mindset without looking to "get" something from them.
The other important thing to recognize about your Life Purpose or mission is that it must always come first to your woman.  If you take your eye off the prize of your Life Purpose work, and make her the center of your universe, her attraction and love will turn into resentment and generate a desire within her that she feels like she needs space.  And often she will not even be aware of why she feels this way.  It will cause her to doubt herself her feelings around you and her relationship with you because she will sense the different energy and new thoughts of doubt and loss of attraction for you.  It won't make sense to her at all because 24 hours prior she was totally in love and comfortable with you and your relationship together.  So you must never ever put your woman in front of your Life Purpose.  She will respect you more for doing so even if she is telling you otherwise, and that's what you need to be concerned with more than her approval; her respect.  In addition to financial support, she requires emotional support from you, and what that means if making consistent decisions and choices around your relationship with her and your money.  If you are predicable around those two things to her, then that gives her the ability to plan her relationship with you.  She knows what to expect, therefore, she trusts your direction and ability to lead the relationship where ever you feel is appropriate.
If you need help discovering your Life Purpose, I can help you.  Click on the following link to purchase my downloadable e-book around how to get on the path of discovering your life purpose.
A Man Living at His Edge
What does it mean for a man to be living at his edge?  It means this man has to be working on himself to become the best version of himself possible.  There are seven categories that a man should be working on in order to become the best version of himself.  And in no particular order they are:
Physically (Body), Cognitively (Mind), Emotionally (Heart), Spiritually (Soul), Financially (Money), Sexually (Love Making) and Professionally (Career).
Physical - Eating right, working out, yearly physicals, good personal hygiene, and dressing in a way that has you feeling your best.  This does not mean dressing in a way that has you seeking outward validation, also known as peacock-ing.
Cognitive - Read books (Not listen to), attend seminars around your life purpose work, study or research a topic you've always been curious about.
Emotional - Stay in relationship with family and friends.  This means pick up the phone and call them only to catch up and reconnect.  Don't wait for them to call you.
Spiritual - Meditate, pray, be grateful for your life and the gift that it truly is.
Financial - Do things that are financially responsible and promote your financial freedom.  If you can think of a way to make money around your Life Purpose work, even better.  It most likely will give you the experience of working for money but it not feeling like a job to you.  A woman finds it very attractive and sexy for a man to be financially responsible.  This doesn't mean she's a gold digger.  It simply means she feels secure in your relationship with her because you are secure in your relationship with money.  A healthy relationship with money means leadership and protection.
Professional - You have a career, a Life Purpose, and you're successful.  If you don't like your job, then find a new one.  I know this is much harder than I am saying here.  But every minute, hour, and day if progress towards achieving the career or job you've always wanted.  We've all heard the saying, "Rome wasn't created overnight."  The same is true for a great career and even better relationship with a woman.  Have patience and do your due diligence.  Your future self with thank you for doing so.
Sexual - It's very important to be able to satisfy your woman in the bedroom.  What are you doing to learn about the female anatomy?  Are you reading how to books on female sexuality, behavior, or lovemaking techniques?
Working your ass off in each of those seven categories will get you to the best version of yourself and being your best.  Ultimately, what I see happening the most often in this work is the moment a man achieves the best version of himself, has no issue around slaying his dragons, and crowns himself King, is the moment his Queen reveals herself to him.
One more item concerning becoming the best version of yourself.  This journey does not have a final destination.  Meaning you must continue to be that man she fell in love with during the dating process.  Also...  If you're married, I was taught to be the man that your wife would leave you for.  Let that one sink in a little.
A Man Should Have His Men
This is so important! And I believe it's one of the biggest things missing in our society today in regards to giving men what they need to be better men for their families, communities, and country.  A man having his circle of men is crucial to him having the ability to live at his edge.  He can have all the other principals listed here, but if he doesn't have this, there is a higher risk to lose touch with his true self resulting in the deterioration of the other three principals.  This circle of men should be a circle of men where each are either serving their Life Purpose, or working on discovering their Life Purpose.  Each of these men are doing their thing in the world.  This gives them the ability to deliver ruthless compassion without being concerned of the topic at hand.
So how does a man find his circle of men?  Well...  I'm glad you asked and here is how:
For me, the way I discovered my men was by attending The Men's Weekend provided by The Sterling Institute of Relationships.  Click on the link under "Mentors" in the title section of this website to learn more about The Sterling Institute of Relationships.  I also have an article/blog post about my experience during my Men's Weekend event.
Sterling Institute of Relationships
It was through my graduation of The Men's Weekend where I learned about teams and tribes of men devoted to this type of work.  These teams and tribes are setup to help a man to live his weekend experience for the rest of his life.  A man has to be pointed by going through a Point Program.  This is where each man learns what it takes to be a valuable member of a team of men dedicated to supporting each other around the changes they want to make in their lives and over coming the barriers each man has that prevents him from living and achieving the life he's capable of and has always wanted to live.  The following are links to these tribes.  Please communicate where you learned about them if you decide to take action around becoming the man you've always wanted to be.  If you would like your tribe listed below, please send me an e-mail with your tribe logo, website, and Bio for consideration.
This circle is a mask off environment.  What it means to be mask off is dropping your mask in front of your men and being real to your core.  This means hiding nothing and sharing everything, including the most intimate personal parts about yourself with a permission around being able to be emotional if that's what it takes.  It takes time to get to this place of intimacy with your men as it requires genuine trust, ruthless compassion, and love for your circle.  This circle provides the space where men can compete with each other, hold one another accountable on the changes and results they are trying to achieve, and also, to be called out on their own bullshit.  Really, really valuable stuff!
One of the ways the masculine can amp up their masculinity is through competition.  It's very blissful for the masculine to be in competition.  David Deida says this is why when you give two boys the same toy, that they will ultimately fight over one of them.  The reason is not because they want to hurt each other or cause harm to one another, it just feels really good to both of them to risk everything in competition for what they want.  It gives each of them the experience of who they really are in this conflict or competition.  They will get instant feedback to how powerful or strong they are.  It's more powerful for them to lose the fight rather than to win it.  The pain of losing the struggle for what they want is very valuable because the lesson of pain can be used to motivate them to work harder on themselves or their talent so that they are better or can become the best of whatever it is they use to achieve money, status, or sex in their lives.  Anyway...  I digress..
In the majority of my conversations with women about their failed relationships with men, or the number one reason around them losing attraction and respect for their men is her man having his mask off with her.  And this usually happens because her man doesn't have his circle of men where he has the ability to be mask off.  Try not to be confused here about what I mean about being mask off.  This doesn't mean a man should not share his feelings with his woman.  This is absolutely not the case!  But what it does mean is that by being mask off with his men.  Being emotional with them.  Complaining about an issue or person at work or any other place in his life to his men will give him the ability to emote on them instead of his woman. 
Women carry a lot of emotional tension with them through out their day.  The last thing they want is for their man to emotionally vent on to them.  They need their men to be great listeners, a source for emotional support, and the ability to open their hearts out of depression with the love he has for her.  And he can't do this if he emotionally vents on her.  It will neutralize the sexual polarity for her as she will perceive him as not being able to protect and lead the relationship.  And this is not something that she often chooses.  It's done subconsciously because it's who she is.  She is the feminine, not the masculine.  Or, this will motivate her to engage her masculine in an effort to emotionally support her man, thus resulting in her man engaging his feminine.  Resulting in a neutralizing of the sexual polarity between them.  Not good!
Furthermore, a man shouldn't try to "fix" their woman's issue unless she request his advise.  One of the most valuable lesson's I learned through my work with Karen Brody was the following:  Before you get into a conversation with your women where she is desiring your undivided attention, simply check in with her first.  And you can do this by simply asking, "Hey...  before we go any further...  I'd like to check in with you first.  Do you want me to just listen to you?  Or do you want my advise at the end?"  This one question can do so much towards staging off an argument due to a man offering unwanted advise, and then getting frustrated with his woman for not listening to it. 
I believe it's worth mentioning here what David Deida had to offer in his book "Intimate Communion".  Mr. Deida says that the masculine is always searching for problems to fix because this is how the masculine discovers purpose.  One of the ways that the masculine offers it's love is by fixing problems.  So your man's attempt to solve your challenges, issues, and problems is a way of him expressing his love for you.  So just keep sight of that next time when he offer's unwanted advise to one of your problems.  Doing so may just give you the compassion and awareness to just mention your appreciation for his desire to fix your problem, but what you most desire in him is an ear to listen to you.
If you would like additional information on how to join a men's team, information about the tribes linked above, or how to get sponsored to attend The Men or Women's Weekend event hosted by The Sterling Institute of Relationships, please contact me.  I'd be happy to help you!
Generating Desire and Attraction in Women
This is one of my favorite topics to discuss and help men with!  There is plenty of information on the web on how to do this.  A lot of it is great information, but a lot of it is also bad or incorrect.  Like any thing in this world of ours, their is a dark side and a light side.  Today we will be discussing the lighter side, but very briefly.
Taking a risk and approaching a woman can be very rewarding for a man and his ability to experience his masculinity.  Masculine is energy that makes decisions and leads.  Feminine energy is very indecisive and wants to be lead.  So understanding that is really a great way to start this part of the blog post.
Unfortunately in today's society, feminine virtues and essence seems to be preferred over the masculine's.  And without getting into a debate I'd just like to say that a man must be aware of his masculinity, fully understand what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, recognize that women do not think like men, and know how to give a woman the ability to experience herself as a woman.  I'm not going to discuss the idea of what it means to be an Alpha Male, how to deliver ridiculous pick up lines, or how to properly use dating apps.  However...  those will all be topics of future blog posts.
I believe if a man can hold the context of being comfortable in his own skin, comfortable being a man, and not utilizing the presence of female energy in his life to validate himself as a man or as way to experience his masculinity, then he is a cut above all the rest of his competition.
A man needs to be able to take action and effectively bea ble to approach a woman who he deems valuable.  A high quality woman will be approached by all kinds of men during her day.  So she already will have a wall up in an effort to protect herself.  Imagine yourself not being able to check your mail without the possibility of a person to awkwardly approach you in an effort to pick you up, get your phone number, get a smooch, or even perhaps to get sex.  If you're being honest with yourself here, you'd quickly realize how much pressure and concern a person must carry around with them all day.
So approaching a woman must be done from a genuine place of just wanting to say hello.  Remove the pedestal!  You can give it back to her once you've truly discovered you like her and want to enter into a long term or short term relationship with her.  Don't be approaching her from a place of wanting to get something from her.  Approach her from a place that offers value, doesn't reek of pleasure or approval seeking energy, and offers trust, safety, and friendliness.  That's it!
If you want to see my colleagues that helped me with approach anxiety with women and basic pick up skills and principals, then head over to my "Mentors" section of this website for a brief description of what they offer and how to contact them.
Creating magnetism, sexual polarity, attraction, and sexual desire in someone has many layers to it.  I personally believe this takes a lot of self acceptance first.  If you are good with you, then it gives others to also be good with you.  I also believe that you must be aware of your natural sexual essence, what it means to be your natural sexual essence, and how to be so that you can fulfill, satiate, and attract your sexual essence reciprocal.  I have developed a product just for this.  Click on the following link below to discover your natural sexual essence, and what context you must hold to attract your reciprocal.  This does wonders for generating a lot of interest on your dating apps!
For me personally, there's really nothing more exciting or fascinating to contemplate than sex and death.  However, and I guess this could also be related to both of those things, but, what also weighs heavily on my mine and the majority of other men, is..  What is the perfect woman?  And how do you know you've found her?  How do you know you are not settling?  Especially in this age of having over whelming amounts of options and opportunities?
No less then 60 years ago most people did not travel outside of their county that they lived in.  There wasn't media like TV.  Only radio and newspaper.  And let's not forget the fact that what was considered pornography back then, now we see on the most conservative advertisements everyday.  So I believe it's safe to assume that the amount of options and opportunities is totally ruining, or at least, causing many pressures and conflicts that our four fathers and four mothers didn't have to deal with.
But back to the question at hand...  How does one know when one is not settling for their current intimate partner?  I believe we must change this perception, and most likely, a masked version of outward validation that looks like and smells like someone we perceive as not good enough for us.  What happens when we transform this way of thinking into an internal means of validation?  What if we were more concerned about being the person we ultimately wanted to be with.  What if our goal was to work so hard on ourselves that in the end, being with ourselves was good enough?  That we no longer needed to be with someone else in order to feel and have the context of being the absolute best versions of ourselves.  And...  I wonder how long we would actually be single if we were living in a way that had us totally in love with ourselves and needing nothing more and no one else?  I bet that the prize for being The King of your life, and the King you were meant to be, would ultimately be the moment where our Queens would reveal themselves to us.
That's it for today's blog post.  I hope you enjoyed it and that you found it very informative regarding the purpose of achieving and sustaining family and love in your life.
If you liked this blog post, Please Share It!  Don't forget to follow me on social media.  And please... don't forget to love yourself today!
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