I Have a Question For Men!

By TJ Dunhoft on 01/20/2018 11:41 AM

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This blog post was motivated and is a reply to an Instagram post by Janne Robinson.  I was tagged in it by a good friend of mine who wanted me to share my perspective and opinion on Ms. Robinson's cry to men.  You can get to the original IG post by clicking on the image of it to the left, and I have also placed it here incase anything ever happened to Ms. Robinson's account or the original IG post. LINK
Before I get going on this reply, I'd like to mention that I do not know Ms. Robinson, nor have I ever met her.  And the same is true for the men she has dated, as well as any of the men she may be referring to in her IG post.
I believe the most valuable gift a woman has to offer her man is the ability to perceive that he is not aligned with his true intentions and integrity, and often, if not 100% of the time, way before he himself is able to perceive this. There is an equal trade here between the two of them as he can perceive that she is not aligned with her truest version of herself and her loving heart. That she is depressed or that something is off about her openness and love, and often, if not 100% of the time, way before she is able to perceive this about herself. It is his duty to open her heart out of her depression by his love for her. And he does this by offering his energy in way that blooms her and her heart of love . Through words, touch, or perhaps even by how he moves his body around her. These are the gifts we can offer one another but it requires effortless motivation which is generated by a deep love and trust for one another, which is easier to generate based on their level of sexual polarity for one another in their intimate relationship.  There’s a lot to unpack in that paragraph. Google is your friend!
The big question here is the man in question, "man enough" to “be with” this gift his woman is offering him?  And… is she offering it in a way that doesn't feel like criticism or nagging? I believe if she is offering it from a place of love, care, honesty, and genuine compassion, then it is his responsibility to accept it as valuable information offered to him in hopes that he can use it to realign himself with his true intentions and integrity.
The challenge is most women don’t understand how to deliver it in a way that feels like love and not criticism to their men. And men are so lost, emasculated, don’t understand how to communicate with their woman or the value a woman sees in being able to communication with her.  A lot of men are also confused about what it means to be a man, may be afraid to be men, do not understand what it means to be Alpha, know what it means and feels like to walk in their power as a man, can listen instead of being “fix it”, or, could care less.  And I believe these problems stem from feminism, media’s misconceptions, the current climate of sexual abuse in this country, and, women having their own direction, life purpose, and careers as I believe they should.  Women these days do not need a man's direction as she has her own.  And a lot of men can sense this in women and are often afraid to assert their own direction due to a pain experienced for doing so in a previous romantic relationship with a woman.
I believe we are at the edge of an evolutionary shift concerning intimacies between men and women.  I learned about the three stages of intimacy through my studies of David Deida’s work, and I feel it’s important to have a basic understanding of these three stages as it will help you navigate your intimate relationships with others.  I will provide a very basic over view of the three stages so that I can make the point I am trying to make here.  It's important to note that these stages of intimacy are fluid and can be experienced during anytime of a relationship regardless of the age of it.  However, a person must understand and experience the first stage fully before being able to enter into the second stage, and the same is true from the second to the third. But again, once they are experienced, you have the ability to be in anyone you choose at anytime during the relationship.
The first stage intimacy between a man and a woman is a very codependent relationship.  They come together in a relationship because they need something from one another for survival. Typically, in this relationship, the man offers financial support, protection, direction, focus and discrimination in the relationship.  The woman provides, love, nurture, child rearing, sex, and household duties.  Each of them is reliant on the other for survival.  This is a very 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s way of relationship between a man and a woman.  Deida refers to these men and women as macho jerks and submissive housewives.
The next stage, a second stage intimacy is all about boundaries. Men and women come together as whole people.  Women have liberated their internal masculine, and men have liberated their internal feminine.  And this is typically motivated by a pain that was felt during a first stage intimacy.  A woman had to liberate her internal masculine to get a job, start a career, to be able to support herself with her on direction and finances.  She realized the consequences for relying on a man, and now since they have divorced or separated, she must cultivate and rely on her own internal masculine.  And now the same is true for a man. He must now cultivate and liberate his internal feminine to provide himself with love, energy, and nurture.  He saw first hand how his inability to relate to his woman’s emotions and feelings, let alone his own, causing pain and confusion for both him and her.
The second stage is all about boundaries.  We come together as whole people.  Which is a good and healthy thing.  But now we have boundaries associated with the pain we experienced in our first stage relationship.  A person may say, “you have your wants and needs, and I have my wants and needs, but your happiness is your responsibility. And my happiness is my responsibility. I know my happiness is my responsibility and your happiness is your responsibility. And I will do everything I can to help you with yours, but ultimately it is your responsibility.”  Both people may even have their own bank accounts.  This stage is all about safety and ease of escape is necessary to protect one’s self.
Second stage is very safe and neutral, but that tends to be very dull, lacking passion and energy.  It’s a very business-like relationship.  It’s fair to assume that the sexual polarity between the two is also very neutralized and when that is the case, the relationship is at risk of infidelity when one of the two in the relationship cross paths with another individual where they are naturally sexually polarized for one another.  Often, they will feel that their passion, feelings, and emotions for this person are outside their control.  They will often think of this person uncontrollably.  They are usually the first thing they think about when they wake up and the last thing they think about before they die into their sleep.  Infidelity and divorce run rampant in second stage intimacies and why I believe the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Most of us concerned about our romantic intimate relationships in this country tend to be currently residing in this stage.
The next stage, the third stage, is where we are heading as a society.  And I believe we are on the edge of the evolutionary shift between second and third.  But the edge can be a large one depending on how long it takes each of us become aware of this information.  I feel like we are close, but currently it seems that there is an awareness that still is trying to surface regarding sexual abuse.  It is my opinion that once we embrace, accept the challenges associated with sexual abuse, and then learn from them, that then we, on a societal level will be ready for stage three.
I think here, before reviewing stage three, is a good spot to mention that men are about 15-20 years behind women when it comes to liberating their internal feminine.  Women had to do this starting in the late 60’s and still continuing to this day.  Women had to liberate their internal masculine to fight for equal rights.  And that is a great thing!  Unfortunately, even this can be abused, and this abuse usually shows up in the form of hatred towards men, but I’ll save that for another blog post.  A lot of men today are still trying to accept themselves as whole people, but society is not ready for them to do so yet. I believe some of us men have done the work, but many still haven’t because of the pain suffered in their first stage relationships, their sexuality being instantly attacked for expressing their masculinity, retreating back into their masculine for being attacked for expressing any part of their feminine side, and being confused and feeling not needed due to many women in this country having their own life purpose and direction.  It was men for thousands of years that had this direction for women to identify with, and as a result, fall deeply in love and need for her man.  Now that has all changed, and many men just don’t know where they belong in this new environment of relational discontent.   But that’s all about to change, in part to awareness around this technology and understanding.
So ladies…  Be patient…  The men will eventually catch up.  Unfortunately, the current state of our affairs between men and women has many men feeling safe or wimpy to women, and many women feeling like ball busters or hardened to men.
The third stage is all about coming together as men and women, recognizing our boundaries we established by entering the second stage, and then offering up our energy and our natural gifts as masculine and feminine sexual essence men and women to one another so that we can experience ourselves as whole beings in the presence of our reciprocal, giving each other the ability to open our hearts to The Divine through coming together as two bodies into one.  This offering has to be done without any need or expectation of getting anything back from the other in return for doing so.  Doing the opposite just means you're still in your first stage as it's an expression of codependency.
David Deida's workshops are all about teaching men and women how to achieve a third stage intimacy.  If you would like to learn more about David Deida and his work, click on the following links:
https://deida.info/ - General Website
https://www.deida.live/ - Website for audio and video downloads
I wanted to share a Facebook article that was shared with me by a dear friend.  I feel it is a great example of men being lost with women, their inability to “be with” their woman fully, and a great explanation as to why this happens:
Ms. Robinson… Offer your gift, your challenge to your man to realign with his true intentions and integrity, in a way that feels like a loving request.  From a place within you that offers love, compassion, and care. Offer it once, and only again if he asks you to repeat it. What he does with it is his responsibility. If he can’t “be with” it, or more importantly you during it's offering, then you have all the information you need to know that this may not be the man for you.  And that’s OK. I call this earning our “yes” through experiencing our “no”. That means for us to be able to recognize and claim that which we do want, we must first experience what we don’t want. And often the perception of being aware of what we don’t want doesn't happen until we experience it first. So just allow the gifts of awareness, understanding, and experience to present themselves in the opportunities you have with new men in your life. Eventually your King will reveal himself to you in this process. Then the task at hand will be understanding how to offer your energy in a way to each other that promotes the highest level of sexual polarity between you two so that you both can enjoy a fulfilling and sustaining intimate relationship with one another.
I would say to never, ever, swallow your needs and worries to accommodate your partner.  Your oxygen mask first my dear.  I believe we know when we are with “the one” when there is absolutely nothing we wish to change about them, and they offer the same love and respect to us.
The best way a woman has ever communicated to me that effectively allowed me to hear her and stay open was by sharing the shine of her heart with me. (Future Bog Post)
"How can a woman communicate her needs to her man in a way where he won’t feel judged, smothered, controlled or criticized?"
If the people are right for each other then I believe this takes care of itself. But, I will offer my perspective on the matter. I believe it’s important for men and women to know, understand, and recognize what it means to be masculine, and what it means to be feminine. Knowing this information, in addition to each other’s natural sexual disposition (essence), gives one another all the information required to better understand themselves and one another in the intimate relationship with each other. They will have all the information they need to offer their energy up to one another so that they are fulfilled and satiated in their romantic relationship with one another. Sexual polarity is a powerful magnetic energy that is often the life of the relationship.  Once this is neutralized in a relationship, then the life of it is often gone, and infidelity is more likely to occur.  One could look at President Clinton’s tenure to quickly realize what people are willing to risk for having this magnetism between two people. And… This polarization will often give us the experience of falling in love, or having uncontrollable feelings for someone else as described above.
But to answer your question, I believe the information or message you want to deliver to your man should be offered only once and from a place of love, honesty, compassion and care.  I'd only repeat it if requested to do so, or your man is not totally present to you while your offering it.  I'd recommend a simple "I need you to pay attention to me right now because I have something important to me that I'd like to tell you".  This should do the trick to achieve his undivided attention.  If your man has a masculine sexual essence, then more than likely it's difficult for him to focus on more than one thing at a time.  This is one of the gifts the masculine can offer.  Total focus without distraction.  Where as the feminine can multitask very easily.
"How do women not just deny their needs and be doormats with their lips zipped but speak a language you care to hear?" 
Find the right man for you. This takes patience and time. Enjoy and trust the process.  Dating is fun and exciting when you know who you are and what you're looking for.  If you're not aware of what type of man you would like to manifest into your life, I'd recommend going through an exercise of listing that out.  I have a program specifically designed for this that I call "Etch A Sketch'ing Your Person".  Check it out here!  It utilizes the basic and fundamental principals of Law of Attraction.  So you'll also get a small lesson of how to use Law of Attraction to manifest your person!
"Was there a time a woman communicated so perfectly that all of you felt clear and not only clear but inspired to meet her needs? What did she say? How did she do it?" 
Yes! She communicated to me that she loved me through her actions more so than her words. I’d recommend reading/studying The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, with one another and them work together to meet those needs. If he or she is unwilling, it’s not the right person for you. On to the next one!
Before I finish, I’d just like to maybe bring awareness around the possibility of you and the men your crossing paths with in the dating world not being emotionally available.  It’s something I’ve dealt with and continue to deal with, and I believe a lot of men and women in the dating world are dealing with this as well.  Just wanted to mention this and I will also be posting a blog post around this topic entirely in the very near future.
I hope this answers all of your questions and concerns.  This is just my perspective based on all my experiences, lessons learned, books read, work with coaches, and my true honest respect and honor for the feminine.  Men reading this post…  Ask yourself…  What would this world be like without women? If there is pain, hate, fear, or negativity in your answer. Then I challenge you to hear what that pain, hate, fear, or negativity is trying to share with you.  This pain does have the ability to serve and heal you and your soul.
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