Emotionally Unavailable

By TJ Dunhoft on 01/20/2018 4:47 PM

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Emotional unavailability can be hell to deal with in the dating world.  Especially if it's our own.  The first step is to recognize it, and this is a big and monumental step.  If you can see it, then you can start to manage it and deal with it so that others don't have to.  This one thing can prevent future heart break of our own and also others.
I learned about the following exercise and visualization technique from a dear friend of mine.  She's such a wonderful example of a woman walking in her feminine essence and power.  I admire and respect her for the work and wisdom she shares with the women in her circle, as well as the women in her church.  I believe she has the gift for becoming a woman's coach by the way she empowers herself and her women to embrace and honor their feminine essence.  I really hope she chooses that path for herself.  I know her impact will be felt not only by the women who she chooses to work with, but also the women who know the women she chooses to work with.  I learned a great deal about myself, and our time together was impactful around my Life Purpose work.  One of the biggest challenges I see and hear about around intimate relationships today between men and women, is the man not being able to "be with" his woman's full emotional spectrum, and/or the offering of her biggest gift to him which is knowing when her man is not fully aligned with his truest of intentions and integrity, often before he is aware.  Now I'm aware that this information can sometimes land as criticism or nagging, but if a woman delivers that information and wisdom from a place of love, care, honesty, and compassion, then it's the responsibility of the man to do with it as he chooses.  And there's a trade off of wisdom involved here.  The man reciprocates this valuable gift by knowing, often before she's aware, when his woman is not fully aligned with her deepest wide open full of love radiant heart.  More on this in another blog post.  Let's move on to the topic at hand.
An affirmation that I would like to leave here before we get into The Couch Exercise is, "The Universe lovingly has my back. Always has and always will.  Trust the process!"  I believe the same is also true for the person I’m trying to manifest into my life.  If you’re not emotionally available, or are covertly in a relationship, the universe is aware of this and you won’t be able to manifest the person of your dreams.  Or, you will resonate and attract your reciprocal in the same situation that you are in.  When I say, "covertly in a relationship", that this relationship could be one that you're not consciously aware of being in.  This will make better sense to you once I present The Couch Exercise to you.  And... here it is:
The Couch Exercise
First I must explain and setup the metaphor we are going to use for you.  You need to visualize a small house with a fence around it.  I have provided one here for us to use together.  The house you are visualizing may be different.  I'm just using this one to get us started.
Now that we have our house, I want to take you through what each part of that house represents.
The House = Your home is you and at the center of that home is your couch which represents your heart.
You have a lock on the front door to protect yourself from anyone coming into your house that is not invited and sitting on your couch.
You have your front porch and the stairs that lead up to your front door.
You have your front yard with a fence around that front yard that has a gate and a lock on the gate.
Again, the house is you.  Each place there is a gate or barrier with a lock on it represents your personal boundaries.  This is great for the purpose of determining who you let into your life and how far you let them in.  Are they someone you want to keep outside the gate to your front yard?  Is that gate locked or not?  Are they someone you want to let on your porch and keep them there?  Or are they someone you feel comfortable enough with to unlock the front door and let them in.  Maybe you let them into your house, but they only get to visit certain rooms in your house without ever getting to the couch.  Maybe they only have access to the kitchen, den, spare bedroom, bathroom, foyer, but never have the luxury of sitting or sleeping over on your couch.  And what about the basement?  I wonder what behaviors of a person would warrant you locking them into your basement?  As you can see, the possibilities are endless.  But this exercise really helps me to have awareness around who's on my property, and more importantly, who's on my couch.
An very important key to know about your couch, AKA your heart, is that romantically speaking, there's really room for one person on your couch.  I'm sure we can get into a debate here regarding monogamy, but I'm not here to do that.  I'm here to help you recognize that your boundaries are very important and should be not only respected by you, but also others.  For me, I know that there is only room for one person on my couch.  Dating is a lot of fun, but it takes a lot of energy and resources to sustain life in that environment.  I'm a man who is better aligned with his intentions and integrity in a long term committed relationship.  In my experience, there's freedom to be had for choosing to be with one woman and sacrificing my ability to have options.  I will save that for another blog post.
I want to go back to the idea I briefly mentioned earlier in this blog post about the possibility of not being fully conscious or aware of being in a relationship with someone or not.  When I first went through this exercise, I started to realize that someone was still on my couch.  This person meant the world to me, but I knew our differences were enough that this woman didn't belong on my couch.  Where did she belong?  And how on earth could I not recognize this attachment with this exercise?!  It's so fascinating how to me how sometimes I can't see something so obvious without the reflection of a friend to make me realize its presence.  I mean, it's me!  Who else would know better about myself than me!?  I digress...
What I found so alarmingly interesting was the fact that I have been so focused on attracting a woman into my life so that I can enter into a long term committed relationship with her to start a family, that is to say, to get a woman on my couch.  That I wasn't doing an equal or greater amount of work to get a woman off of it. 
I hope you are able to realize the value of this exercise like I am.  It such a wonderful way to check in with myself and take stock of where women are in relationship to my boundaries.  In the dating environment I believe it's crucial for the ability to effectively and efficiently attract your person.  It's having awareness of where I am personally with being emotionally available, and also a better skill set for potentially being able judge whether a dating prospect is emotionally available or not.
I can personally tell you that I have noticed when I’m doing my thing in the world (Life Purpose work), when I’m emotionally available (No one is on my couch), and when I’m focused on my commitments and not my addictions, that the universe responds.  My text messaging, phone calls, and dating app activity from the feminine seriously spikes during this time.  It’s like the feminine can sense or feel me living at my edge, motivating the spike in activity.  I can also attest that when I’m not doing those things, that my opportunities with the feminine are very limited, bleak, and slim to none-existent.  So, keep this in mind and let me know if you notice this about yourself as well.  Everyone is different.  But I can certainly, without a doubt, say that this is the case for me.
Hope you enjoined reading this blog post and that you found it very informative regarding the purpose of achieving and sustaining family and love in your life.
Don't forget to follow me and share this blog post on social media.  And please... don't forget to love yourself today!
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