Dating is a Battlefield!

By TJ Dunhoft on 06/03/2018 12:30 PM

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How did we get here? I remember when I was in high school and college how easy it was to meet new women who were available, weren't trying to be a man, and were truly a prospect for long term romance. I believe this to also be the experience for women too. Well... You know what I mean.
Times back then were simpler. As men and women we were ok with being who we were. A soulmate was something that seemed real, viable, and a relationship with something or someone that was achievable. Now... from the space of what feels like someone else's decision, I have placed that soulmate idea on the same internal shelf as Bigfoot, Santa Clause (sorry if I just ruined that for someone), and the Tooth Fairy.
Look... I've done the research, read the books, attended the seminars. Some of it works and some of it doesn't. I've been a serial dater where I've made a lot of new friends. A few romantic connections. And also had my fair share of "shit-shows". No... I didn't end up with a house hold pet in boiling water, but I have been cat-fished, ghosted, stood-up, kitten-fished, and at times... feared a little for my health and safety. You know... when you get to a moment where you try to back-track and conceptualize what wrong choices got you into a current predicament. Yeah... I've been there.
Dating has also been a fun, uneventful, and also overall, a great experience. Too much time in it can also motivate a person to be jaded with it as well. I mean... how many times can a person have the same conversation over and over again before they ask themselves, "what's the God Damn point?" Maybe that's me expecting my November 24th yearly meal to be cooked and prepared in five minutes as opposed to an all day excursion. (Insert hands in the air emoji here)
So... what's the cause to the state of this mass confusion between available men and women in the dating scene. Why does it seem impossible to make a sustainable long term intimate connection with one another? I'm so glad you asked! And please be aware that this is a perspective of a masculine sexual essence heterosexual male in his forty's. I'm not even going to attempt to offer a woman's perspective, a homosexual or transgender's perspective, or anyone else's or other species for that matter. Yes Bonobos... I'll leave you all out of this... for now anyway.
Warning... this perspective may be difficult for some to swallow. Probably mostly of the female persuasion. So if you are someone who is easily offended, now would be a great time to click the "X" in the upper right corner of this browser.
We are living at a time in our social and cultural evolution that makes it really difficult to not have a gray area. Everything is so damn polarizing today with exception of masculine and feminine essences. Politics, religion, race, choice, sexuality, monogamy, polyamory, the list goes on and on. I'm hoping, and I tend to be an optimist... but I am really hoping that this is a time of experiencing what we don't want so that we can recognize and claim what we do. Fingers crossed!
Feminism and the sins that our patriarchal grandfathers and fathers committed against the feminine are greatly to blame. I feel like they started this ball rolling 50 or 60 years ago. The following are some observations and reasoning:
Women are trying so damn hard to be men these days. So hard, that they too walk around sexually frustrated, confused, and have an underlying dissatisfaction of never being truly seen or felt by their romantic reciprocal. For the record, I have nothing against the women's rights movement. Shit I even support it! But now women have to do everything it seems. Raise the kids and hold down a job or sustain a career choice. The simple remedy is being able to segregate between sexuality and career. Stop confusing your capacity to be masculine with your sexual essence. Understanding how and when to express your feminine essence and virtues is the key.
Men these days are so damn confused because they are afraid to be men. There's no question that the feminine virtues are preferred over the masculine virtues in today's society. As men we are so afraid to assert our own direction that we ask for permission from everyone else before we do it. We are, without any doubt in my mind, dearly paying for the sins of our patriarchal fathers and grandfathers.
Then there's women having their own purpose and mission in life. It didn't use to be that way. Yesterday's women looked for a man to have his mission. One they could identify with and wrap their feminine essence around. They wanted to be protected, taken care of, and cherished by their men. Today... not so much. They don't need us anymore. I can't tell you how many potential dating prospects I've sat down with who felt like they were another man sitting before me. She looked all girly and feminine and appeared to have a yearning, open and radiant heart on her profile. But sharing time and space with her told me otherwise.
Then there's this attack on masculinity. We as a society seem to value the feminine virtues so much that we try to eliminate or cast out the masculine ones. I believe the lack of masculinity and masculine role models is one of the problems. In the United States, 23.9 million children live absent of their biological fathers. Fatherless children represent:
63% of teen suicides, 70% of juveniles in state institutions, 71% of high school dropouts, 75% of children in chemical abuse centers, 80% of rapists, 85% of youth in prison, and 90% of homeless and runaway children. That's incredibly alarming!
Helen Fisher said it best when she said that "the act of women flooding to the work force was to blame for the death of romance between men and women today." I tend to agree with this bold statement.
Women having their own career goals and aspirations is having a consequence on the state of relationships between men and women. I'm not insinuating that women need to go back to being house wives. I am just acknowledging that there is a grave consequence to this. Men no longer feel needed by women and now have to compete with them for jobs they never had to. This is very neutralizing on a sexual polarity stand point and I believe the main culprit to failed marriages and the dysfunction of the American Family.
I don't know where we go from here. Maybe we are going to be in this purgatory stage of intimacy between men and women until this is figured out and I'd like to acknowledge that this is not the only culprit.
I also believe it's going to take men to have the personal and societal permission to liberate their internal feminine. Women did this 60 years ago. Now it's time for the men to do this as well. That will happen once a man's sexuality isn't attacked for him trying to do so. Unfortunately, those of us men who have accomplished this are being met by women who are confused about being with a man like this. They seem to not know how to handle a man that can relate to her emotion instead of trying to fix it or run from it. In a dating environment, it's confusing and foreign to her. But once use to it, it does incredible things for the intimacy between them.
I'm not sure when this phase of our evolution is going to be over, but for the first time in ever, I'm coming to terms with the possibility of never finding love again. And that's a hard pill to swallow when you've lived your entire life on earth as a compulsive optimist. I hope one day my Queen will reveal herself to me. Until then... I guess it's golf and Tinder.
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